I am by far no relationship expert, so if you’re looking to solve your relationship or marriage issue, this may not be the answers you are looking for. This is simply my ideas and thoughts about this subject of relationship matter. I am like anyone else living day to day with friends and relationships and I wanted to share a though I had when it comes to expectations and assumptions within a relationship
I was out with a friend of mine the other day and we were having a conversation about relationships and marriages. We have both been married and have realized that marriages are highly over rated. It seems that marriages these days are just societal pressures of conformity. Why does a piece of paper that says you’re recognized as married under the state of whatever mean so much? To save on auto insurance and get a little discount on taxes? If two people enjoy each other’s company as friends and as sexual partners then why get married and ruin a good thing? If you do get married why does everything change all of a sudden? I came up with the idea that there are certain expectations and assumptions that go along with friendship, relationships and marriage.
Expectations are things we expect to happen and when they don’t we get upset or angry. To me expectations are more like agreements because I cannot expect something to happen without first planning what I expect to happen with the other person. If I do not plan what I want to happen then it becomes an assumption on my part. If I expect to meet my girlfriend at 8pm for dinner, it’s because we both agreed to meet somewhere and eat, but if my girlfriend never shows up, I will probably become upset, worried and angry, especially if there is no warning.
Assumptions are things I hope will happen without me having to ask for it or plan for it. Assumptions are not like agreements because they are not verbally acknowledged by the other person you are making assumptions about. Assuming leads to disappointment, confusion, and frustration because people cannot read each other’s minds and assuming something out of someone will always end bad. I think this is where many relationships, friendships and especially marriages go wrong. If I am married and I assume she will do all the cleaning then it will only lead to disappointment when I come home and the house is a mess. This is when the argument comes and usually sounds something like..
MAN: “why is the house such a mess”?
WOMAN: “Because I was out with my friends today and just got back home”
MAN: “Well I expected the house to be clean when I came home, its game night! And with whom and why were you out with your friends all day?”
Then the fight starts, people yell and things are said that probably shouldn’t have been said. But the issue was that the man confused an expectation with an assumption. Now had he said before he went to work…
MAN: “Hun… Its game night and I’ll be home around 6pm, can you make sure the house is clean so we don’t look like slobs?”
WOMAN: “Sure hun… I’ll do it before I go out with the girls”
Now the man has an agreement and can correctly expect the house to be clean when he gets home and avoid a nasty argument. I am sure in many situations this scenario can still go wrong, but that is probably due to many months or years of expectations and assumptions. If we all started making more agreements instead of assumptions and expectations then many of us will probably have much better friendships, relationships and marriages.
Marriages are tricky because many unspoken expectations and assumptions are presented from both the man and the woman. There is a long laundry list of them which I probably do not need to mention, but the fact that you probably expect and assume things from your partner at this very moment, which has never been mutually agreed upon, probably does exist. I make mistakes in relationships all the time and I am learning something new each and every day, but as for the other day, this is my lesson learned.
If you have no expectation and assumptions then you cannot become disappointed, upset or angry. Only when you want something out of someone is the only time you can get hurt. I think it is vitally important to make agreements, such as loyalty, duties and roles within a relationship or marriage. Never assume someone is just going to do something, just because or due to societal expectations of your relationship.
Social relationship pressures come from everywhere such as friends, family, and religion. The problem is trying to live up to their expectations and assumptions. Why do we do that to ourselves? It is a mystery in itself, but in this day and age a valuable lesson is being learned and that is to be yourself and allow others to be themselves. When you are in a marriage or relationship, take it for what’s it is worth and don’t assume or expect anything out of your partner, make agreements and understand one another. Don’t ruin a friendship with a relationship and don’t ruin a relationship with a marriage.
I am not saying to never get married, but I am saying not to marry someone for what they might become one day or for how they might change now that they are locked into a marriage. This will only lead to disappointment, confusion, and anger.
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